New York City.
He wants to see what's there.
I can tell him what's there.
I don't know how, when you've never been.
Well, Toto, I guess we're not in Kansas any more.
I can't figure out why he'd want to go to New York when we got everything here.
Somethin' I have to do, Dad.
Did you pack an iron like I told you to?
Mom.
You're gonna walk around wrinkled in New York if you don't.
Elmer Whitfield's cousin Carlton went off to New York a normal boy.
Came back with his head shaved and an earring stuck in his cheek.
Mom, there's a whole world out there.
I mean big, exciting.
I got a nice, small apartment lined up.
I got a great job.
I wanna make lots of money.
I want to have a meaningful experience with an incredibly beautiful woman.
I can't even take a woman like that to a small apartment.
- I gotta get a penthouse. - A penthouse?
With a Jacuzzi in it.
Doin' this for you as much as for me, Mom.
All those years of college - They're gonna start payin' off.
Back!
All right, listen up.
If there are any bugs in here or rats or anything that has more legs than I do...
you just stay on your side of the room, okay?
I'll stay on mine.
I should warn you. I'm packing an iron.
You weren't listening.
Darling, please pack it as fast as you can.
- Mr. Forbush? - Not me! He's two doors down the hall.
Into the shredder as fast as possible.
- Mr. Forbush. - Yep.
Hi, I'm Brantley Foster from Kansas.
- You hired me. I start work here today. - You're fired, kid. Sorry.
We all saw it coming, but we looked for some kind of miracle.
Miracle never happened.
- What did happen? - Hostile takeover.
Ninety percent of the people in this building are out on the street.
You are one of those 00%. Tough break.
Mr. Forbush, I was counting on this job. What do I do now?
Punt!
Okay, New York...
if this is the way you want it, okay.
- I'm sorry, Mister - - Foster.
I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.
But how can I get experience until I get a job that gives me experience?
If we gave you a job just to give you experience...
you'd take that experience and get a better job.
Then that experience would benefit someone else.
But I was trained in college to handle a job like this.
So in a sense, I already have experience.
What you've got is college experience...
not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for.
If you'd joined our training program out of high school, you'd be qualified now.
Then why did I go to college?
Had fun, didn't you?
What impresses me most...
is the amount of experience you picked up while still attending college.
Well, ma'am, I knew all those years of college...
would be worthless without practical, hard-nosed business experience.
"Assistant personnel manager, J. Hall Communications.
Junior purchasing agent, Midland Furniture.
Vice President in Charge of Production, Central Manufacturing."
Outstanding.
You're not gonna tell me I have too much experience, are you?
Certainly not. You're perfect for the job.
- Great! - Except -
No. No exceptions.
I want this job. I need it. I can do it.
Everywhere I've been today there's been something wrong.
Too young, too old, too short, too tall.
Whatever the exception is, I can fix it.
I can be older. I can be taller. I can be anything.
Can you be a minority woman?
- Mom, I'm doin' great. - Is it dirty? Are the people rude?
No, this town is terrific. The people are really nice.
- That's good. What about your job? - Job? Hey!
I got a fantastic office, got a gorgeous secretary. The works.
We don't care if she's gorgeous. Is she any good?
- What? - You heard me. Can she type?
Ma, of course she can type.
Some can't, you know. Is it safe there? You haven't been robbed?
Ma, will you quit worryin'? There is no danger.
- But New York is - - New York is like Kansas intensified.
- What? - What's that? Something the matter?
No, Mom. That's just the TV.
- It sounds so real. - It's Miami Vice.
Can you turn the sound down? It's too loud.
Ma, it's broken. The knob came off in my hand.
Goodness. Well, what about Uncle Howard? Did you call him?
Uncle Howard! Yeah, the phone number.
Well, you still have the number, don't you?
Oh, yeah. I got it right here.
Are you all right? You seem distracted.
They just totalled a Ferrari.
But Uncle Howard - did you call him?
No, I haven't had a chance to call Uncle Howard yet.
Will you try to see him?
I'll probably bump into him at the country club.
Get the TV fixed, dear.
Yeah.
- Listen, I gotta go. Okay? - Okay.
- Give Dad my love. - I will, dear. I love you, Brantley.
- I love you too, Mom. Bye-bye. - Bye!
Well, at least let me buy you an airline ticket.
Dad, I'm gonna do this on my own.
But you did make it a round-trip ticket?
Yeah. I'm not gonna need it.
No, when I come back to Kansas, I'm comin' back in my own jet.
Take this. It's Uncle Howard's phone number in New York.
I got an uncle in New York?
My cousin Ellen married his half sister's nephew...
before she got bit by that dog and died.
But he's still kin, and kin is kin.
Hi.
I'd like to see Mr. Prescott, please.
Do you have an appointment?
I tried to get one, but I couldn't, so I just thought I'd surprise him.
Mr. Prescott doesn't like surprises.
- Everybody likes surprises. - Not Mr. Prescott.
- You can leave your name. - Brantley Foster.
- Of? - Of Kansas.
Of what company?
What do you wanna see Mr. Prescott about?
About being his nephew.
Well, why don't you have a seat?
I'll see if I can work you into Mr. Prescott's schedule.
Thank you.
Give Uncle Howard my card.
Are you really Mr. Prescott's nephew?
In a roundabout sort of way.
You sons of bitches don't have a half a brain between you!
I'm looking at a $300 million deficit here...
because you idiots didn't anticipate the needs of a changing market!
- Uncle Howard? - Now, get out, all of you!
And bring me back some new ideas that'll work!
Or I'll have your heads mounted on my wall!
- Geez, he's gonna burst a blood vessel. - Yeah, wishful thinking.
I'll see if I can get you in now.
Thank you.
You know, it can't be good for his heart to shout that way.
He doesn't have a heart.
- What, Maureen, what? - Brantley Foster is here to see you.
I don't know any Brantley Foster.
- Your nephew from Kansas. - Who?
- He says he's your nephew from Kansas. - Kansas?
Mr. Prescott will see you now.
Clever.
So you're one of the Kansas Fosters, huh?
Shirttail relative, to say the least.
Listen...
I know you probably told your secretary to get me outta here in five minutes.
- Two. - Right.
So I'll get right to the point.
- I need a job, Uncle Howard. - Around here, I'm Mr. Prescott.
Do you have any idea what we do here?
Yes, sir.
Pemrose is a multinational conglomerate with 27 different divisions.
Products ranging from dog food to guided missile systems.
There are 30,000 people working in this building alone.
Their accumulated salary is higher than the gross national product...
of half the nations in the Common Market.
Last year we borrowed more money from banks than Mexico did.
It's a great company, Uncle -
Mr. Prescott. That's why I'm here.
What can you do for us, Brantley? What experience have you had?
Practically none.
But I believe in myself.
Doesn't that count? Deep inside, I know I can do anything if I get a chance.
Think back to when you were my age.
Remember how you felt when you went after that first job.
Remember how you wanted it so badly...
you couldn't sleep the night before the interview.
Remember how crushed you were when the guy said...
"What kind of experience have you got?"
You wanted to shake your fists and say...
"I can do anything if I can just get a chance."
They're ready for you in the boardroom, Mr. Prescott.
Call Bates in Personnel. Tell him I'm sending somebody up.
Well, you're in the front door, kid.
What you do on this side of it is up to you.
Congratulations. He really must have taken a shine to you.
Thanks. He's a warm guy.
May I?
You can't come in here, bozo. Take your crap to the mail slot.
I work here. Just started.
What do you want, an engraved invitation? Come on. Come on.
Brantley, eh? Somebody gave you that name?
Jesus, a college puke! This really makes my day.
- Well, you're welcome. - Melrose, get over here!
Listen to what he says, then do what he does.
Stay out of my way. Don't use the stamp machine for personal letters.
Take off that stupid-looking tie. Looks like you shot your couch.
- You got any questions? - Yeah. What do I call you?
- Call me God. - Got a problem, Boss? I'm your man.
Show the college puke the ropes and keep him outta my face.
His name is Brantley.
All right, kid. Follow me.
All right, you stick with me and everything's gonna be copacetic.
Twice a day you deliver. Like a mailman, you pick up whatever's goin' out.
I can do it in 30 minutes. Rattigan thinks it takes me two hours.
What's this department? What do they do here?
Who knows? This place is a zoo. Nobody knows what anybody else is doin'.
Can you get promoted out of the mailroom?
You can't even get paroled out of the mailroom. Excuse me, dear.
Good morning.
- Nix. - What?
- Good morning. - Look, not the suits.
- What do you mean? - Excuse me, sir.
- Good morning. - Look, not the suits, man.
You never consort with the suits, unless they consort with you first.
That's ridiculous. He's a person. I'm a person. I can't say hello?
He's not a person. He's a suit.
You're mailroom. No consorting. Come on.
We're entering a sensitive zone.
This guy in that office just got canned.
Mailroom knew about it on Friday. He just found out today.
No kidding. Is his job still open?
No, man, an economic cutback. His job was dissolved.
About two dozen suits got the ax.
Will you quit trying to consort? Come on.
All right, the yellow ones go to Purchasing.
All the white ones are a bunch of suits talkin' to themselves.
You're supposed to deliver 'em, not read 'em.
Some of this stuff doesn't make any sense.
They send requisitions through two departments...
to get procurements for a third.
- What kind of thinking is that? - That's suit thinking.
Something happens to a man when he puts on a necktie.
Cuts off all the oxygen to his brain.
You crazy? You're not supposed to take the memos out of the mailroom.
I can't follow a chain of command in this company.
They got the right title, but their job assignments and objectives are screwed -
- Look at this. Jesus. Purchasing. - What?
It's a joke. They've got two people doin' basically the same job.
Neither one of them is doin' it right.
I'll bring it up at the next stockholders meeting.
- Would you put these things away? - Whoa, Melrose.
How ya doin'? We've been gettin' a lot of requests in the mailroom...
for stockholder information, company assets, expenditures.
- Anything you can give us. - You're kidding?
Any of this research you want, you can have.
- Take it all. - Thanks very much.
She's the most incredible-looking woman I've ever seen in my life.
She's a Rolls-Royce, but she's also a suit.
What's she like? What do you know about her?
I know enough never to consort with the suits, pal.
- Even when they do have legs like hers. - Come on. You know more than that.
Her name is Christy Wills.
She's supposed to be some sort of financial wizard, you know?
Harvard. All that crap.
And forget it.
No. That's Transportation's problem.
No, we do not supply drivers for executives' wives.
We are a messenger service.
I don't care if the other drivers are all busy.
Yeah, well, the same to you, sweetheart.
Hey, Dartmouth, get over here.
Executive's wife wants a ride up to Litchfield.
- Check out a car and drive her. - Where's Litchfield?
You'll find it. Just follow the smell of money.
Excuse me, ma'am. I'm not quite sure which way -
Turn the key, start the car, put it in drive and step on the gas.
Any idiot can do that, even my husband.
Excuse me, ma'am.
- I know I'm not supposed to consort - - Then don't.
You seem kind of upset. I was wonderin' if there was anything I could do.
I don't know. My cook quit this morning.
My analyst is away on vacation. My Mercedes broke down.
I split my nail, and my husband is screwing somebody at the office.
What did you have in mind?
Stick of gum?
This is the third weekend he's found an excuse not to come to the country.
No, I don't know. But knowing him, it's probably some teenage airhead...
from the steno pool.
The last one I caught him with was so dumb...
she thought dictation was some kind of S and M trip.
Do you know my husband?
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
Never mind.
- Didn't hear a thing. - I'm gonna have to call you back.
I'm so mad, I could spit.
He looks twice as good today as the day we were married.
I just look twice as old.
Are you kiddin'?
I hope that when I'm his age, I can wake up every morning...
and find a woman as beautiful as you are lying next to me.
Thank you.
Turn in here.
Please.
- Bring those inside. Charles. - May I help you with those, sir?
What are you drinking?
I can't really. I have to get back.
God, I hate the country.
Yeah, I can see how you'd be real miserable here.
Who can live with so many trees?
They suck up all the oxygen.
No, actually, trees produce oxygen.
Who are you? Mr. Wizard?
What did you say your name was?
- Brantley. - No, I mean your first name.
That's it: Brantley.
Well, Brantley, I don't know what you want out of Pemrose Corporation...
but I'll tell you what you do not want.
You don't ever, ever wanna become a corporate wife.
I'll watch my step.
Have another.
Thanks.
I've run 8,000 miles on that tennis court...
chasing a fuzzy, little yellow ball with an oversized racket.
Do my legs look heavy to you?
No.
I've swum laps from here to the moon in that pool.
Do you see anything in this body that isn't firm?
Tennis, swimming, aerobics, jogging, massage -
Anything and everything to stay in shape.
Not that he'd ever notice.
So, Brantley, do you know why I stay in shape?
- How 'bout a dip in the pool? - No, wait!
Are you serious? Listen -
I have to get back. This is a tempting diversion, but I got a job.
- I don't know if this is a good idea. - Transportation, please.
Yes. The young man from the mailroom who drove me home?
He's going to stay here and do a little work in my garden.
See that he gets full credit on his time card.
Thank you.
Help me out of this, will you, dear?
- That was great. - Thanks. I swim five miles a day.
- Supposed to tone my ass. - Yeah, it works.
Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.
- You sure this is a good idea? - It's okay. I know the owner.
Last one out of the -
- Sure your husband's not coming home? - Who knows?
He could be home any minute...
or several hours from now.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna see that my husband gives you a leg up.
I think we've done pretty well so far by ourselves.
I mean Pemrose.
No.
No, thanks.
No, I'm gonna make it to the top by myself.
God, you're adorable.
I could spend a week inside those sweet, unwrinkled eyes.
- Can I make a personal observation? - Anything but the thighs.
Somebody sold you a bill of goods and convinced you you had to be 21 forever.
That's bullshit! I think you're terrific.
The only thing wrong with you is your husband is a jerk.
You're beautiful. You're intelligent.
You're sensuous.
Say that again!
- Which part? - All of it!
Oh, no!
- What? What is it? - It's the jerk.
My husband.
- My uncle. - Your what?
- Oh, God! That makes you - - Auntie Vera?
What's my mother gonna say?
- I've disgraced my whole family. - The hell you did!
Not funny! Okay? This is not a funny moment in my life.
Relax. Who's gonna find out?
I'm home!
He's gonna find out. That's who's gonna find out.
Don't worry! He won't fire you.
There's no way I'm gonna get a raise out of this.
Vera, what's the company car doing in the driveway?
It broke down, darling. The driver had to take the train back to town.
No, he didn't, darling. He's in here having trouble with his fly.
- Get back! Do you ever stop? - No!
How am I gonna get home?
Maybe we'll just have to keep you here and adopt you.
You're a riot, Vera.
Please, Lord, get me out of this.
I'll go all over the world telling people not to screw the boss's wife.
- What are you doing in here? - Feeling romantic.
What's for dinner?
Oh, Howard! You really know how to sweep a girl back onto her feet.
Go back!
Sit! Sit down!
You look like death on a cracker, man. What happened to you?
I was chased by a 200-pound dog with a mouth as big as my head.
And that was the best thing that happened last night.
- What was the worst thing? - I got laid.
I'm not sure you got your priorities straight.
Hold the elevator. Good morning.
Hi.
We're entering a sensitive zone.
The guy in that office just got canned.
The mailroom knew about it on Friday. He just found out today.
I'm gonna see that my husband gives you a leg up.
No, thanks.
No.
No, I'm gonna make it to the top on my own.
- Hello. - Tucker, where the hell have you been?
We got a problem in Midwest Distribution.
What are you gonna do about it?
What's the problem?
Our stock is down another quarter point this morning.
Whose fault is that, Thomas?
Nobody's fault, sir. It's a momentary lapse in the market.
- Whose fault is it, Thomas? - It's Davis's fault, sir.
His department hasn't been pulling its weight.
- What do you have to say for yourself? - I've been having troubles at home.
My wife ran over the children's dog with her car...
then we had to buy a new dog.
Then the new dog chewed up this entire report that I'd been working on.
Are you suggesting that your dog ate your homework?
In a way, yes, sir.
This is not grade school, Davis! Run at the back of the line.
- Consider yourself on warning. - Yes, sir.
Everybody, check your pulse. Make sure you're exercising at the optimum level.
I'm a bit above my level. I better stop running now, maybe.
- I'm above too. - I really don't care. Everybody, run!
I can't get anybody's approval for the extra two trucks!
Tucker, what're you gonna do about it?
All right, look. What does a boxcar cost?
The transfer sheet shows that somebody...
is accumulating an enormous block of our stock.
- What do you think about that, Thomas? - I think it's very encouraging.
- You do, do you? - Yes, sir.
When a stock takes a dive and somebody buys a ton of it -
It means that stock is on its way to a quick rebound.
It means that the company is ripe for a hostile takeover!
- That's what I meant! - A hostile takeover, sir?
Yes. I'm afraid that's what we're looking at.
I want each of you to examine your department...
and see where you can cut costs.
Cut! Cut them to the core!
We need to raise capital quickly so we can boost stock support.
Boost it! Boost it to the moon!
You gonna put that in writin'?
Yeah.
You tell the trucking company that we have to service our customers.
If they're not gonna help us, we're gonna find somebody who will.
Well, all right!
That's what we need, some gutsy decisions! I'll get back to you.
Okay. Bye.
Yes!
I have got to get that report by the end of the day, Art...
or you're in the doghouse!
I don't know. Mr. Prescott?
I'm sorry this came in so late, but it just arrived.
It's about time!
- This isn't the men's room. - No.
They took the urinals out last week. I didn't like them.
How about a paper cup?
What?
Sorry. I'm just about the only woman executive at Pemrose.
Some days, I have a chip about the men's room.
Sorry.
Hey, nice office.
Nice furniture. It goes with your hair.
Thank you. I like your suit. It goes nicely with your nose.
Well.
This conversation isn't going very well.
Thank you. There's enough talk in the world already. Good morning.
That meant "good-bye."
I have work.
Sorry. I have a lot of work myself.
Good morning.
I really swept her off her feet.
All right, Foster. Let's do it!
Hello. This is Carlton Whitfield, 4310.
That's right. I'm still waiting for that secretary I requested last week.
I realize you're busy down there...
but I'm typing my own letters and answering my own calls...
and it's getting to be a pain.
Empty?
Well, I've been here a week, got my name on the door...
got a desk full of supplies and a geranium on my window ledge.
What I don't have is a secretary.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll have Personnel send a boy up from the mailroom with the requisitions.
Just send me my secretary, okay? Thank you very much.
Got a memo here. Big cheese in 4310 wants his new secretary pronto.
I got a memo here that's burning up my fingers.
New suit in 4310 wants his personalized memos and stationery immediately.
- This guy is hot. - Who?
I don't know. Name's on the memo.
He wants nameplates for his door, and he wants it by noon. Okay?
Smile.
- You're late. - I already done my rounds.
You didn't punch in.
Well, I couldn't wait to get to it. Boy, I love my work.
Punch in, then run this up to Personnel and wait for an answer.
Right.
I'm Jean, your secretary.
I'm not wearing anything.
I see that.
It was warm.
Seems cooler now. I'll get dressed.
Yes, sir. I'll move my stuff in.
Great, Jean. Good idea.
Jean? I have some notes here.
I also have some charts, some graphs, some tapes.
They're all sorted by department. Can you read my handwriting?
- Sort of. - Do your best.
I need some poster boards, coloured pencils, coloured push pins...
T square, drawing table, lots of pencils, and my lunch. Chinese?
- Hey, 4310? - Yeah.
Great.
- Morning. - Morning.
- Hi.
Hello again. Small world.
Hello.
Are you standing still for some purpose?
Hey, I'm just soaking up the atmosphere.
Executive lounge, huh?
- Care to do a little lounging? - No, I'm busy.
Ron, did you get those figures on transfer costs and insurance?
Not yet. Big delay in Chicago.
- Damn! I really need them! - Blame Chicago.
- Maybe I can help. - I'm sorry?
Transfer costs and insurance for what?
By the time I explained, I could find out myself.
Ron. Big weenie.
Hey, listen. Why don't you explain it to me over lunch?
- I'll have the answer by dessert. - I don't eat lunch.
Why don't we start this again? Carlton Whitfield. And you're?
Annoyed. Shit.
You know, I'm just trying to be friendly.
You picked a bad time. I was counting on those figures from Ron.
- Christy Wills. How do you do? - Good.
Terrible news. Just awful!
Conference room, everybody. Come on. On the double.
- You don't eat lunch. Do you eat dinner? - Occasionally.
- Tonight? - Booked.
- Tomorrow night? - Booked.
All right, but don't beg, okay? It's embarrassing.
Who are you?
Carlton Whitfield. New employee.
I didn't get a memo on that.
You will.
All right. As long as I get the memo.
The absolute worst has happened. We are the target of a corporate raid.
Donald Davenport has filed a 13-D.
A 13-D?
He's acquired five percent of the stock...
and this is definitely the beginning of a hostile takeover of our corporation.
I think we all know what happened the last time Davenport took over a company.
Everyone was canned!
Mr. Prescott has sent down word of what he wants us to do.
We are to recommend cuts in every department.
Our job is to slash the red ink in every nook and cranny...
because our company needs the cash for its defence.
Anybody wanna fire the first shot?
Kill Toledo.
If we close down our distribution centres...
in Toledo, Joplin, Jacksonville...
we'll slash the red ink completely off the books.
Whitfield, you don't have to raise your hand. Just speak.
Thank you.
Well, I know I'm new here and everything.
On the surface, these cuts seem like a good idea -
"Seem like a good idea"?
But closing down those distribution centres would be a big mistake.
It so happens that those closings are exactly what Mr. Prescott wants.
Well, then Mr. Prescott hasn't thought things through very well.
I'm going to tell him you said that.
Good. Closing down those centres...
will put a strain on this company's cash position.
In the long run, those cuts are going to hurt this company's innate value.
Innate value? What is he talking about?
Davidson here will back me up on this. Davidson?
I'm Proctor. He's Davidson.
Well, damn it, Davidson, tell him!
You wrote a memo to Mr. Thomas explaining what I'm talking about.
Well, how did you know I wrote that memo?
How did I know you wrote that memo?
Who else could write that memo, Davidson?
That memo was famous.
That memo was a masterpiece.
Clear, concise, to the point. That was the best damn memo I ever read!
In fact, that memo wasn't even a memo. That memo was literature.
- Well, thank you. - You're welcome.
If you have finished your book report, could you explain what your point is?
- The point is, we gotta be bold. - That's my point.
We gotta build. We gotta expand.
Expanding is the only way to help the situation.
We gotta make this company so damn strong...
Davenport won't be able to find anyone willing to give up Pemrose stock.
It'll be too damn valuable. Then we'll buy his ass out!
- How old are you, Mister - - Whitfield.
- Yes. - Twenty-four.
I think you should keep quiet until you're at least 25.
If I may, I don't think Whitfield's age should be an issue here.
No one is interested in your opinion, Davis.
We gotta block that takeover.
I'm too old to look for another job.
Nobody in their right mind would hire me.
This meeting is going nowhere!
Mr. Prescott's command stands!
We are to find those cuts!
Meeting adjourned.
You'll pick up the coats. That looks like one only a lot smaller.
Hey! Harvard! Where the hell've you been?
Personnel. You said to wait for an answer. They are real slow up there.
There's something going on around here, Foster.
I'm gonna be on you like a rash. You got that? Like a rash.
Won't the other guys get jealous? Heads!